I let my six year old son play Bunbel every so often. Not that I ever play Bunbel myself, mind you, so it's really his own character. So he played for 30 minutes or so on Friday night, fell, and was rescued by Axell. When I told him that Axell was the strongest healer in the whole land he was so terrifically excited he could hardly sleep. Next morning, 6.00 am or before, I hear from the hallway ZAM, POWEE, thump thump thump, KILL THE VERMINE, thump crash, CALL FOR AXELL, crash thump. Wail. I'VE GOT 4 COINS. KILL IT QUICK.

We had a CL reenactment, sound effects, death and all. The four-year-old acted the part of the vermin I believe. At 8.00 am, after two solid hours of nothing but Axell this, Babajaga that, Axell this, Dad Dad could Axell beat Babajaga, Dad Dad can Axell kill Tree Giants, Dad Dad can Babajaga kill Axell, I eventually lost it.

SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO MORE CLAN LORD!!! THE NEXT CHILD TO MENTION CLAN LORD GOES OUTSIDE AND STAYS THERE. ALL BLOODY DAY.

Blessed silence.

Not a single gig all weekend.

Bad weather, so no sailing.

Blessed peace to go with the silence.

I actually got some work done.

Although I did receive my very first ever invitation to visit the Foothills. From Raiine, that most kindly exile. All other expeditions do their very best to exclude exiles like Sleipy. I would very much liked to have gone too, but it was at a bad time, and I just couldn't. Bother.

Opsec. The one issue that Baba and I will never ever agree on, not in a million years. In much the same way that Althea and I will never agree on the Pogue Mahone. Ah well, these differences make life interesting I suppose.

Actually, the above story was rather more amusing than I had time to write before. Reading between the lines, the conversation between Raiine and Ziff Rengar went like this:

Raiine: Sleipnir wants to come to the foothills with your group later on today. That OK with you?
Ziff : No fucking way. That guy is a total dipshit.
Raiine: Awwww.... he's not so bad. Pleeeeeeease.
Ziff: No. Go away.
Raiine: He promises he'll be good and well-behaved and I'll vouch for his good behaviour.
Ziff: Humpfh. Well..... OK.... but if he falls he gets left behind. We ain't saving him or anything.

Given this, I decided not to go. To be perfectly honest, I could have made the time and gone along, but chose not to do so. As it happens I couldn't go sailing after all, 'cause the weather kicked up an easterly storm. (Which reminds me, I haven't yet checked that my boat is still attached to its mooring. Hmmmm...... ) But, in some ways, I was still disappointed not to go. The chance of finding the new PF trainer is enough of a temptation for me to behave myself, even when surrounded by fuckwits. Maybe.

A big grin at Tove. I know perfectly well why no invitations have been forthcoming from her. She and I have come to an understanding on this matter (after more than one bitter argument let me say), and it's best left that way. The phrase "opsec" gives me an immediate, instinctive, unavoidable response; my blood pressure rises and my face goes red; my hair starts to stand on end and my facial features distort; my breathing becomes laboured and my sight grows dim; then I start hitting small things (smaller than me anyway).

It really is no wonder that so many exiles feel excluded from all the interesting, important things (and say so on the newsgroup, to exclamations of wonder and surprise from all the "in" crowd). After all, Sleipy is part of the "in" crowd in many ways, and has only to behave himself, ask politely (and make the time), and he could go to all these new places if he wished to. So, for him, it is partly a voluntary thing. But for other exiles, who get excluded no matter what, whether they ask politely or otherwise, no matter how they might wish to go? This galls them terribly, and rightly so.

And isn't it wonderful how neither Babajaga nor Althea get a right of reply, to argue with impeccable logic against my foolish opinions? Huzzah! And don't think I'm repentant about this at all. No way. Oh no, not me. Hah.

And that gatekeeper can go swive a goat. Fucking idiot.

9th April

We still have marine attachment fortunately. And I even went out this weekend and scrubbed off the bird shit. Perfect sailing weather but it was Paul's birthday party. So I had to do the Dad thing and cook stuff, being a firm believer in birthday parties at home, not at some fancy place which saves the parents having to do anything. Parents are *supposed* to suffer through birthday parties.

Only one gig all weekend. As winter approaches the jobs tend to wind down. *And* I got cancelled from the Tauranga festival! Silly buggers. They said they couldn't afford me! Humpfh. Just as well, 'cause Monique had already told me I wasn't allowed to go away for the whole Easter weekend. So I was just about to ring them up to cancel, and they called me to cancel first. Bah! Pfft! How bloody annoying. So the guys will go without me. That is, my usual bands are going, but I'm not.

		A tearful goodbye to Slyph. I know that I (me that is, not Sleipy) have annoyed her greatly more than once, but overall we have been good friends. I have certainly greatly appreciated her. I will miss her I must say, 'cause she did add great colour to the game. I read all the posts that led up to her leaving, and my sympathies do lie with Slyph. Talk about extreme rudeness from HGM and Joe. Ouch. But it wasn't intentional, it's just their way I suppose. Neither of them is tactful, to say the least. I, personally, wouldn't leave over those kinds of comments, but that ain't my decision to make of course.

Take a look at this. Woo Hoo. Goric gets promoted to sir with a great cheer. But, you know, what is most interesting about this picture is the total absence of the old guard. Not a single one of Sleipy's old fart friends. (Of course, lots of them are Sleipy's friends, I hastily add, just not the old fart ones). Everybody there, and they were mostly newer exiles, came to see Goric. This is really great, because it means that Knighthood has a chance of filtering through to the next generation, and not dying out with the old farts. I'm sure Goric will do really well. Has a squire already, bless his heart. And Altir also has become a page for Califas. So our numbers increase, even if only slowly.

It's about time John Junkar got promotion I would have thought. And Sie'Limpa also. And Cloud must be Knighted.

What have I learned from Clan Lord? A huge amount. Before playing CL I had never played any role-playing game before. Ever. I had no idea how to use Photoshop. Or Illustrator. Or GoLive. Or Hotline. Or ICQ. I had never made a map before. I had never written iambic pentameter, and didn't even know what it was. I had no idea of the correct grammar of archaic English (and still don't know a great deal about it, to be honest). I knew nothing about the Elven languages constructed by Tolkien. I knew nothing about Heraldic conventions or how to construct coats of arms. I knew nothing about manuscript illumination, or where to find old art like this for web pages. And all these things I read about until I felt I understood them a whole lot better than I did before. I put a huge amount of creative energy into things like the history page, the map of Shan Deral, the writing of CL music, Sleipy's poetry. These kinds of efforts are never wasted, even if the end result is pretty dire. And some of my results are dire, others less so, so I'm well pleased overall.

The whole concept of an online game, and online acquaintances was completely foreign to me. I have learned a good deal about my own arrogance and lack of patience. And a good deal about my personal deficiencies in other ways also. My gut responses, completely illogical, to certain things. But also about some of my strengths I suppose, although I hesitate to think that way. I am continually amazed, deeply so, at the respect shown to Sleipy in the game by many. By the loyalty of Babajaga to the Knight. By the loyalty of Tove also, I suppose.

I have met some people who have become very dear to me. People I have never met face to face, and may never do so. And with these people an online conversation can be so so so frustrating, missing as it does the speed, the nuances, and the emotional level of a face-to-face meeting. They are people that I will always care about. I will always wish to know what they are doing, where they are, how they are doing, are they happy? sad? highly successful? moving house? snort too much cocaine? (relax sheep boy, I'm not really looking at you) And often it is not easy to find these things out. It is so easy to drift away from an online friend.

I have regrets of course. I regret some things I have said and done in the game and would take them back if I could. But that's me all over isn't it? Small brain, big mouth. And I ain't saying any more here and now, so if you want to hear about all my deficiencies, too bloody bad.

But, no matter what, I am certainly a different person from what I would have been without Clan Lord. And that is quite a testament for a computer game.

Well... fuck. I knew I would regret writing that maudlin crap above (now removed). I knew it. I could feel it in my bones while I was writing it. What is this? Some kind of impulse towards self-destruction? Towards self-immolation in the fires of contempt and disgrace? And I was just about to remove it, hopefully before Babajaga ever got to embarrass both of us by reading it, and....... I find I'm too late. The damage has been done.

Bugger. But I'll bloody well remove it anyway, and you, Shepherd, can go stick yer head up a goat's arse if you even think of calling me a back-pedaller.

This will teach me not to write diary entries when I'm in that kind of mood. How humiliating.

Cyclone coming for Easter. So much for my sailing plans. And let's hope the boats hangs on the chain. Keep your fingers crossed everyone, please. And Althea, you keep your legs crossed too. Just in case. Not that I imagine there's too much pressure for the reverse. Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho. What a sense of humour this guy has! A real blast. OK, put down the axe Mary, it was a joke. A joke. Yeah, yeah, not a funny one, I know that, but give me credit for trying at least.

Sleipy's perma-shares are getting filled up. Babajaga of course. And Manx too, for her portrait of Sleipy. Soon as I see either one of them, Sleipy slaps on a share lock. But now Axell has saved Sleipy's arse so many times she really needs to get one too. This makes things a little crowded.

Maybe if I complain in the NG I'll get the number of share slots increased to 10? We could have a slot activism week (organised by Althea of course, who else?) Slot tutorials and seminars. The influences of the slot on CL feminism. I volunteer to talk on "Michael and slots: a study in the power of penile psychology".

The truth about SWC Babajaga

What else? Kate (four years old and proud of every one) caught a big fish over Easter. Almost as big as she is. Big excitement. And that's an understatement.

I do so love the sea, you know. I was brought up beside the southern ocean, in Dunedin. My parents lived right by the beach there, and it was always my playground as a child. And all those years in the U.S. I missed it greatly. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is. The sea can be very frightening. But it is always changing, always interesting, always doing things. It smells nice. It smells like home. The cyclone just before Easter caused some very interesting sea conditions, with almost no wind at all, but a very lumpy and large swell. The wind tends to generate high-frequency chop, with white caps, little ripples on top of medium ripples on top of big ripples on top of waves. But after a cyclone one gets a very calm-looking sea, with very few small ripples, but a lot of high-amplitude low-frequency stuff on top. Tosses the boat around almost as much as in strong wind conditions.

I don't like catching fish though, to be honest. I always feel too sorry for them, and then I have to eat them which is yukky. Not to mention the scaling and gutting. Well, gutting is quite fun, cause you get to see fish insides which are interesting, but scaling is just awful, awful, awful.

The shit is hitting the fan in Alchera. I have no idea of the rights or wrongs of it, but I've got to feel sorry for Conny. There is an awful lot of very nasty crap being thrown at her. But that means we get to see some old players back in CL, which is lovely. Like Adua.

Sleipy is still saving hard for his greatsword. Up to 7200 coins now and going strong. When he puts his mind to it he can earn 500 coins in a couple of hours quite easily. Mostly because I clan at night in NZ, which is a very low traffic time. Usually around 20 players, or 40 on a very busy night. But it is very very very boring. And I'm not letting him buy another chain until he gets his silly sword. And, of course, once he has his sword (and a new chain) there are all these pearl earrings and ruby rings that he wants to buy. Dear oh dear, I can forsee much boredom ahead for me.

Still training Detha. Hard to notice any improvement of course, but one assumes there is some. Adua had all these questions for Sleipy about training messages, gossamer swords, fell blades etc etc. I didn't have a clue. Most embarassing. I don't know anything about things like that. Don't know, and hardly care. But it makes me look pretty dumb when I get asked simple questions that I can't answer.

And talk about blood blade bitching in the NG. Woo Hoo. I didn't even know it was possible to cheat as claimed. I didn't even know *how* to get a blood blade. I barely even know *what* it is. I live in some blank void, mindless and instinctive, with very few rational thought processes.

23rd April

Nothing interesting to write about. My life is boring. And Tove has stopped playing CL for a time which means I essentially have also. Isn't that strange? If I *know* that I'm not going to be able to chat to Babajaga, and that all Sleipy will do is run around by himself killling little things for money, it's very hard to get the motivation to click the mouse to do it. Not to mention that I've actually been working hard these past few days. Amazing. But every so often I get the urge to do something constructive for a change and then I put my head down and work hard. Drives my family crazy 'cause I don't do anything else. Like talk to them.

But done lots of sailing recently too. Perfect weather for it, and my Dad's here visiting. (And my mother-in-law). They both love boats as much as I do. So out to Tiritiri Matangi last weekend. Not a breath of wind so we had to motor the whole way there. Yuck. And then motor back. Still, it was worth it as we saw lots of interesting things. Penguins, takahe, saddlebacks, tuis, woodpigeons, bellbirds, jellyfish, manta rays, water, clouds. That sort of stuff. Sea was like a mirror, but one bent into 1-2 metre swells, with periods of around 200 yards I guess. It was the ocean swell making its way into the gulf, but losing all the surface ripples on the way, because of the lack of wind. Very beautiful to see. Never seen it quite that way before.

I'll take the day off tomorrow too, go sailing again with Dad. We'll go down to Takapuna and anchor off the beach so that my grandfather can come out and look at the boat. He's 95 and still going strong. Lives beside the beach.

And to cap off my boring current existence, I seem to have been fired from my busiest band. Ouch. They haven't asked me to do a job with them for three weeks now! Nasty. It may be due to the fact that they owe me $1000 for the last two jobs. Heh. Or maybe I just played one too many wrong notes. Ah well, that's the way it goes. Sometimes I have way too much work, sometimes not enough.

Been reading Kira's diary also (as well as checking the usual round every few days). Most amusing. (Big wave to Kira). But, you know, she really doesn't show enough respect for either me or Sleipy. We both deserve lots, not to mention expensive presents, and I just don't see that happening over there. Oh dear. Age doth command both wisdom and respect, or at least it bloody well ought to.

Mind you, being in the mind of a teenager is a scary thing. Even just reading about it gives me the shivers. I can barely remember that far back. Well, that's not true. I can. But my life back then was so very very different from the life she describes, it's like a foreign world. I never went to parties for a start, 'cause I was always gigging in the weekend. (Actually, when I was 18 I was in Australia playing in a rock band, believe it or not, but that's a different story). And when I wasn't gigging people just assumed I was and never asked me anyway. My future wife kept asking me out and I could never go. Bad start. And, to be quite honest, when not performing I was always rather shy. And still am in many ways. Don't laugh, it's true. Being older gives one a certain confidence to tell other people to go to hell. One just doesn't give a shit any more.When you're young it's a bit more difficult.

But I do know one thing. "Naked" means with no clothes on. None. All off. Nothing on. Not a stitch. It doesn't mean dancing in your underwear, it means dancing naked. With nothing on. At all. Get it? So don't give us all this crap about being at a "naked" party but still wearing your underwear 'cause either you were and you weren't, or you weren't and you were. If you get my meaning. What do they teach youngsters nowadays?

I have an admission to make though. I can *never* keep track of that young RQ-type group of people. Polgara, Brennan, Kira, Tuna, Brae, DarqMax, etc. I can't remember who's who and where and why and whether Polgara is really the same as Kira or whether she isn't and whether DarqMax had hot pants for Brae or for Brennan, or whether Kira is really Brennan, or was it Polgara who married Brae? Who is Brae? And Kisa too? Is she in the Red Quill? Or wasn't ToriAnn the same as somebody else? I do remember that Brae=Tuna=Tim. And that's about it. And that Kira is married to Vagile. I think.

Very confusing.

26 April

8800 coins. 1200 to go. My word. Sleipy has never been this rich before. And he's now been offered one of those funny sword thingies. Had to ask M what the hell it was and did and meant. Fell blade, she said. What the fuck is that, think I. Thank goodness somebody around here has a clue. And my usual source of accurate information, nasty rumours, funny gossip and downright misinformation is not here now, complaining about some sort of ISP thingy. All a front probably, so that the Sylvan can disappear into the sunset with that fat Zo. Hah. Don't think I'm fooled. Firewall my foot. Load of crap if you ask me.

Nice little trip to Dal'Noth with Raiine a few nights ago. Come and earn some money she says. OK says the Knight. So off they go and promptly fall. (Well, the group made it around a few snells first). I'm not the most patient person in the world so depart time. Just can't be bothered waiting to be rescued. Tired anyway, and wanted to go to bed. But it's always nice to chat with Raiine, and nice to run around in that nasty place a bit. Actually, Sleipy likes going there on his own, just to see how long he can stay alive and kill things. Not long, usually, but if he gets lucky at the beach he can sometimes last quite a while.

Had quite a nice chat with M on Hotline. Found out that she has actually heard of Grapelli. Golly Gee! And Grisman. Holy shit! We have something in common in addition to vicious tempers and sharp tongues.

Met a newbie, Lucio, last night. But couldn't decide whether he really was a newbie or not. I think so, but it can be hard to tell if the person is a good actor and trying to deceive. Anyway, did a bit of a tour with him. Swamp ferals etc. Just looking. It's all the Knight can do anyway. But then I had to go and earn the obligatory 400 coins for Sleipy. He's an impatient bugger. Must keep an eye out for Lucio. And for Xiao Nan Wu, another excellent new exile. Both seem more mature, which is rather an improvement on the Michaels of this world.

Poor old Sleipy is getting ragged on the Sheep Poker's blog. As I said above, not enough respect around here. I hope to get to meet the Sheep Poker when I'm in AA in August. He sounds like fun company. And I'm betting I can get Neil Balmforth to wangle me an invitation to Santa Cruz too, on my way there, so I can visit some E. Coast people. That would be nice. I'll have to ask Neil when I see him at Snowbird. SF is more difficult to wangle an invitation, but Davis would be easy too.

All I need now is to try and find some way of persuading those in charge that Oslo is really just on the way to London. Really. Almost a straight line. Depending which way you go. Truly, it is. And there are important mathematicians to visit there. Very important. Crucial for world science.

In other world news, music is still a total disaster. Mind you, they did ring up and offer me four jobs, but I couldn't do any of them! Fuck. Monique works every weeknight from 5 to 10 now. Kills the gigs rather. Not to mention that I *hate* cooking. And now I have to bloody cook a bloody meal for the bloody kids every bloody night. Well, it's been that way for a few months now. But it ain't getting any nicer. And still I have to cancel gigs. Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to have to do something about the gig situation. I hate hustling for work but I see I'm going to have to.

But at least my latest work efforts are paying dividends. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you actually put a little effort in.

	Introduction and Archives		Latest pathetic writings